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Home The 1% Club Podcasts Editorial News Picture Gallery Two Views Sommelier Chef's Table Front-of-House Features Book Reviews Travel The Guides Michelin Guide Relais & Chateaux National Guides Europe 25 Contact |
| The Grumbles - The 40 Perils So what do certain fine dining establishments do that make us seethe; the things about which we feel they should know better and equally what do we do that we simply shouldn't. |
For Customers For Restaurants
1) A Sommelier that
doesn't know you, makes
two recommendations,
both over £100 a bottle.
2) Aggressive pouring of
the wine and water to try
and sell some more.
3) Treat you with general
disdain, after all its never
their fault, particularly so if
you're eating on a
promotion.
4) Not offer a set lunch on
a Saturday and so force
you onto the expensive a la
carte or the 7 course
Gourmand menu .
5) Have list prices exclude
VAT
6) Have staff talk about you
(or swear at each other) in
a foreign language, you'd
be too stupid to
understand.
7) Ignore you when you
walk through the door and
find you by accident some
twenty minutes later.
8) Have a wine list that
really starts at over £50,
the two token cheaper
bottles would work better
in your car.
9) Consider vegetarians
as an after thought and
then charge a la carte
prices for a plate of lettuce.
10) Outsourse the booking
system and then have it
permanently engaged.
11) Hold back as many
tables as possible for
"regulars" to lengthen the
lead time for reservations
and appear popular.
12) The fewer staff the
better and it's the
manager's night off so
relax!
13) Make a Cover Charge
14) So who ordered the
beef?
doesn't know you, makes
two recommendations,
both over £100 a bottle.
2) Aggressive pouring of
the wine and water to try
and sell some more.
3) Treat you with general
disdain, after all its never
their fault, particularly so if
you're eating on a
promotion.
4) Not offer a set lunch on
a Saturday and so force
you onto the expensive a la
carte or the 7 course
Gourmand menu .
5) Have list prices exclude
VAT
6) Have staff talk about you
(or swear at each other) in
a foreign language, you'd
be too stupid to
understand.
7) Ignore you when you
walk through the door and
find you by accident some
twenty minutes later.
8) Have a wine list that
really starts at over £50,
the two token cheaper
bottles would work better
in your car.
9) Consider vegetarians
as an after thought and
then charge a la carte
prices for a plate of lettuce.
10) Outsourse the booking
system and then have it
permanently engaged.
11) Hold back as many
tables as possible for
"regulars" to lengthen the
lead time for reservations
and appear popular.
12) The fewer staff the
better and it's the
manager's night off so
relax!
13) Make a Cover Charge
14) So who ordered the
beef?
15) Upon arrival, offer
three types of
Champagne, you have to
guess which one you can
afford.
16) Only accept cash,
nearest cashpoint a tube
stop away.
17) Increase prices 25%
the day a guide is
published that makes
reference to the old prices
and gives a favourable
review.
18) You discover that you
visit the restaurant more
often than the chef.
19) Rush you through so
they can go home as early
as possible.
20) Consistently
mis-calculate the bill,
always in their favour.
21) Recommend only
those dishes which they
need to sell.
22) Allow you to feel
forgotten about half way
through a sitting, so you
help yourself to the wine.
23) Charge £5 for a bottle
of mineral water.
24) Charge for service and
then leave credit card slips
open.
25) Expect the disabled to
leap umpteen stairs in a
single bound.
26) Enhance the
atmosphere by playing
entirely inappropriate
background music that
matches the extraordinary
decor.
27) Confuse your wife with
an innocent female
acquaintance and make it
worse by apologising
profusely.
three types of
Champagne, you have to
guess which one you can
afford.
16) Only accept cash,
nearest cashpoint a tube
stop away.
17) Increase prices 25%
the day a guide is
published that makes
reference to the old prices
and gives a favourable
review.
18) You discover that you
visit the restaurant more
often than the chef.
19) Rush you through so
they can go home as early
as possible.
20) Consistently
mis-calculate the bill,
always in their favour.
21) Recommend only
those dishes which they
need to sell.
22) Allow you to feel
forgotten about half way
through a sitting, so you
help yourself to the wine.
23) Charge £5 for a bottle
of mineral water.
24) Charge for service and
then leave credit card slips
open.
25) Expect the disabled to
leap umpteen stairs in a
single bound.
26) Enhance the
atmosphere by playing
entirely inappropriate
background music that
matches the extraordinary
decor.
27) Confuse your wife with
an innocent female
acquaintance and make it
worse by apologising
profusely.
28) Populate the dining
room with
uncomfortable chairs
that are apparantly chic.
29) Cram tables in to
the point you become
on first name terms with
all diners around you.
30) Make their latest
marketing ploy to
advertise as a
promotion their
business as usual.
31) Eat/Stay there once
and get junk mail
forever.
32) Hold 'special dining'
evenings then cram in
as many as possible
and serve mass
catering standard food
from a fixed menu.
33) Fluctuate the 'mood
lighting' between
blinding and fumble in
the dark.
34) Nearest parking 2
miles away, unless it's
£25 valet parking.
35) Offer for sale just
about everything at your
table or in the lobby.
36) Present a menu
exclusively in a foreign
language and fail to
help.
37) Offer second
sittings first.
38) Have an
unbalanced menu and
compound the error by
never changing it.
39) Charge for coffee
refills.
40) Have an unclear
smoking policy so half
the customers are
always unhappy.
room with
uncomfortable chairs
that are apparantly chic.
29) Cram tables in to
the point you become
on first name terms with
all diners around you.
30) Make their latest
marketing ploy to
advertise as a
promotion their
business as usual.
31) Eat/Stay there once
and get junk mail
forever.
32) Hold 'special dining'
evenings then cram in
as many as possible
and serve mass
catering standard food
from a fixed menu.
33) Fluctuate the 'mood
lighting' between
blinding and fumble in
the dark.
34) Nearest parking 2
miles away, unless it's
£25 valet parking.
35) Offer for sale just
about everything at your
table or in the lobby.
36) Present a menu
exclusively in a foreign
language and fail to
help.
37) Offer second
sittings first.
38) Have an
unbalanced menu and
compound the error by
never changing it.
39) Charge for coffee
refills.
40) Have an unclear
smoking policy so half
the customers are
always unhappy.
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